101 Rules For Nonliving Household Objects
by yamigoddesslj
Summary: Apparently, yamis are really bad housemates. And...this is a list of the first 101 rules to follow, from the hikaris . Some are...a little unexpected. Does water really explode? Rated for language.


A/N: Love to all readers! _Snow White _is on the way!

Disclaimer: Don't own. No offense intended. No flame.

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(The First 101) Rules For (Nonliving) Household Objects: For Marik, Yami, and Bakura.

We know you guys are up to something, so stop it. Love, Ryou, Yugi, and Malik.

1. The microwave is not a theater for testing explosives, and we'd appreciate it if you wouldn't run up the microwave budget on your experiments with Coke and Pop Rocks, or eggs. We don't care what you saw on TV.

2. Candy is not meant to go in any orifice other than the mouth, no matter how it is shaped.

3. Candles are also not meant to go inside the body (anywhere).

4. Glass is fragile. We cannot stress this enough. We hoped you'd learn after seven jars of jam, fifty fine wine glasses, a pair of specs, my favorite old television, a clock, a computer, a millennium commemorative Mickey Mouse snow globe, and twelve light bulbs, but you obviously didn't, because we just heard that sound. From. My. Room. (Love, Ryou.)

5. The phone is not a demon that can be summoned by entering a code, and is therefore not meant to dwell in the Shadow Realm.

6. If you yell at our answering machine, it will not like you anymore. It will not EVER yell back, so stop. It's one-sided.

7. Needles are to be used for sewing, not voodoo. I don't care what the person did.

8. Barbie dolls are meant to keep their appendages attached, and they belonged to Ryou's little sister. They are not food for the cat or chew toys for the dogs. They are also not to be used for voodoo.

9. The stove is not meant to serve as a bonfire, and you should not dance around it clad in a bed linen screaming 'Toga! Toga!'

10. You should also not dance naked around our stove, because we do have company.

11. The camera is not meant to take pornographic pictures of your body parts. No one wants to see them hanging on our fridge ever. Again.

12. The stuffing is meant to stay *inside* the pillow. If I find it on the floor one more time, you will. Clean. It. Up.

13. The fridge is meant to store food. This does not include any animal's brains, tongue, or hooves.

14. The fridge is not meant to store hostages. This includes any yami.

15. This also now applies to Mokuba.

16. Clothes are the only things that go in the washing machine. Cats, dogs, and pickles should be left out of the laundry from now on.

17. People do not go in the dryer. Not even for five minutes.

18. The lint filter is not meant to be worn as a loincloth.

19. The air conditioning is not 'the breeze from Hell coming to claim us', so we'd appreciate it if you'd stop staring down the vent and screaming at the top of your lungs.

20. The clothing iron is not a weapon, and if Yugi comes in with a triangular burn on his ass one more time, you will suffer.

21. The clothing iron is not meant to be used on hair. Especially not hair that has just been doused liberally with hair gel, because it will explode.

22. Speaking of hair products, the following items are not to be used as personal lubricants: hair gel, hairspray, foam mousse, shampoo OR conditioner, conditioning shampoo, tea tree oil, or that sculpting gunk that Tristan keeps around.

23. The TV will not react if you scream 'Turn yourself on, idiot box!'

24. The remote is not to be used as *anything* other than a remote.

25. Batteries go in electronics. Not in people, no matter how annoying you may think they are.

26. Massagers and vibrators are not the same thing.

27. A cellphone on vibrate is also not a vibrator, and don't try to get cute and tell us it technically is.

28. The mirror is not a parallel dimension, and it is not a portal to said dimension. We're tired of laughing at you guys running into mirrors, so we thought we'd let you know.

29. Bunk beds are not to be used for torture devices.

30. No sex in the bunk beds. Ever. Again. We've already had to replace one set.

31. The fireplace poker is not meant to be jammed up the ass of anyone who rings our doorbell.

32. The fireplace poker is not meant to be rammed down the throat of anyone who rings our doorbell.

33. The fireplace poker is not a weapon.

34. The cuckoo clock is not out to get any of us, and throwing it across the room results only in having to buy a new cuckoo clock.

35. Pots and pans are not to be used as hats or helmets.

36. Kitchen utensils are not sex toys.

37. Especially not bread knives or steak forks.

38. Especially not the electric carving knives.

39. Especially not the electric mixer.

40. The blender is not a killing machine. Frogs do not go in the blender.

41. Snakes do not go in the oven. Neither do people. EVER.

42. Thermometers are not 'stripping poles for chipmunks' and this should not ever be an opinion voiced when we have company.

43. The doorbell is not your cue to drop whatever you're doing, crush theater-blood capsules all over your face, and burst out the door screaming that you want people's souls.

44. 'Weenie roast' is not a sexual term.

45. 'Hot dog' is also not a sexual term.

46. Vegetables are to be eaten, not worn or shoved up the ass of whoever tried to get you to try the casserole.

47. The couch is not a porn studio, and spreading your legs over the back of it just makes you look like an imbecile who likes to hump the couch.

48. Teapots are meant to house tea, not alcoholic beverages. It is not cute when you swap the tea with tequila and our guests are stupid enough to drink it.

49. Curtains are not meant to be worn as togas or climbed. They are not meant to be used as blankets or bed linens, and will not be used to mop up the blood you 'have no clue as to how it got there.'

50. The window is not meant for you to press your nude body against and slide down to scare all the neighbors.

51. Impaling the pillows on spikes of hair is nether funny nor amusing.

52. You should not put one hair spike in between the windowsill and the open window and slam the poor window down. It is glass. It will break. Your hair will not.

53. The flat-iron is not meant to be used in conjunction with anything flammable, including hair gel. Yes, we know how you got your hair like that.

54. No body part, especially one that is concealed by clothing normally, is to be doused with water, placed against a steel butter knife, and the knife inserted into an electrical socket.

55. The electric sockets are not meant to be peed in.

56. DO NOT pee on the electric fence. There are consequences. Water conducts electricity.

57. The cat's scratching post is not a stool, and you are not meant to sit on it and pretend to be thinking.

58. The toilet did not swallow your most prized possessions, and it is scary to wake up at four in the morning to see you screaming into and clawing at the inside of the toilet bowl like a banshee.

59. The toilet is ceramic, and therefore can be broken with a sledgehammer. Stop killing our toilets.

60. The sink is not 'a metal man having a continuous orgasm.' It is what supplies water to our home.

61. The computer is not 'the porno machine' and is not meant to house solely download porn. Therefore, you should not delete every program but the image viewer in order to free up space for download porn.

62. Body parts do not go in the printer.

63. Clothing does not go in the printer.

64. Animals do no go in the printer.

65. Body parts, animals, and clothing do not go in the shredder.

66. The letter opener is not a sex toy. It is also not a weapon or an eating utensil.

67. It is not cute to take a sharpie and scratch out the 'r' in CROCK POT. We do not appreciate taking our food to the potluck in a 'cock pot.'

68. Belts are to be used as accessories, not loincloths.

69. The toaster is not a battlefield for GI Joe action figures and My Little Ponies. They melt and run up our toaster budget, and unless you feel like buying a toaster, stop it.

70. You are not obligated to kneel in front of the coffee pot every morning groaning your brains out onto our kitchen floor in need of caffeine. You are not a 'coffee zombie,' and we'd appreciate it if you'd lay off the theatrics. You're scaring the cat.

71. The ashes from the fireplace are not to be used as body paint.

72. The broom is not a sword, and you should not be spotted (by the press, *especially*) naked except for the pot on your head (see Rule 35) and the broom you are using to duel against a similarly clad Yami Bakura, Marik, or any of our friends. This is directed at Yami Yugi.

73. Putting powdered sugar, baking soda, and every other white substance you find in the cupboard into a roast pot and putting the whole mess into the oven will not result in drugs of any kind, be it heroin, methamphetamine, or cocaine. It results in a big, goopy, bubbling mess, and you will not attempt it ever again on pain of death.

74. You three are the first Neanderthals ever to explode water (well, we sure as heck hope it was water, YAMI), so just stay away from the stove if at all possible.

75. Backscratchers are not meant to rub the skin raw enough that it gets infected and we have to go to the doctor and have you treated for rabies because you decided that you had to catch a rat with it first.

76. Candle lighters are meant for lighting candles ONLY. They do not need to be used in experiments that involve bean burritos and Bakura's ass.

77. Re: Candle lighters: Just don't touch them or we're getting the childproof kind.

78. Running with scissors is not a way to 'accidentally' kill anyone.

79. It is not subtle to rip the chainsaw to life and chase away door-to-door salesmen, realtors and Jehovah's Witnesses.

80. It is not okay to find the only cockroach in the house and eat it because you thought the name was cute. They may be high in protein, and you can argue a case for that, but they will not assist in the augmentation of any body part. Translation: Bugs do not equal steroids.

81. If something is glowing red, it is generally going to burn you if you put your face on it. Don't come to us screaming that the demon stove bit you again.

82. Chocolate syrup (not even with whipped cream) is not an accepted article of clothing.

83. The ceiling fan is not meant to be used for acrobatics.

84. Mouse traps shut suddenly. Trying to take the cheese off the trap is not recommended.

85. Filling up the closet with fur coats and barging into them does not transport one to Narnia. It gives one a concussion and nasty bruises when they collide with the wall, and we have to take the fool to the hospital.

86. Shovels are not meant to dig holes in the wood floor in hopes of falling into Wonderland. Or China.

87. Inhaling helium and saying that you're 'major rockstars' makes everyone think you are crazy.

88. Penguins are not acceptable house pets. Put them back where you got them. Preferably while they're still alive.

89. Flash drives are meant to be put in computers ONLY. Porn will not 'download' into human flesh.

90. Putting one end of an extension cord in your mouth and plugging the other into the wall does not have the same effect as three cups of espresso, and listening to Duke Devlin (Otogi) will only get you in trouble.

91. Putting a hapless bumblebee up your ass will not result in you getting buzzed (see above, Re: Otogi). It will result in YOU explaining to the doctor how the bee stung you on the inside.

92. Setting our car on fire in our driveway with the excuse that you wanted to 'hot rod' is not cute.

93. Setting the house ablaze with disco music playing results in only us being extremely pissed. There is no 'disco inferno.'

94. Sticking an American flag up your ass is not considered 'patriotic,' even if you complain that you were only wearing said flag, and no other clothing.

95. Re: Americans. Sticking an unwilling American up your ass is also not considered patriotic. It's called cheating. On us. Don't.

96. Pincushions are not meant to be sat upon.

97. Saying that the Menorah looks like "a candleholder with a Jew 'fro" is blatantly disrespectful. Please don't say it again.

98. White glue (or any other color of glue) is not a substitute for hair gel.

99. Superglue will get you in big trouble. Stay away from it unless you want to be explaining to the doctor how Malik's head magically attached itself to the couch.

100. Duct tape does not fix flesh wounds.

101. 'Cross'word puzzles do not repel the 'vampires in your closet.' Especially if said vampires are the Bakura set searching for clothing at seven in the morning.

These rules are only the beginning. If the thought of doing whatever you're thinking about makes you smile, scream, or laugh for more than twelve seconds, just assume it will get you in trouble or it's going to be hell for you when we get home.

Love to you three! Be GOOD!

Yugi,

Malik,

Ryou

(Hearts and smiley faces drawn here.)

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A/N: This is the first non-Disney thing I've written in a while! I hope it hasn't been done before-original inspiration from Hiita-Hime's 213 Things Zack Fair is No Longer Allowed To Do, but I took some poetic license because I thought...hmm...how would the hikaris react to the microwave incident? Thanks to my little brother for the 'hot rod' joke...and some of the others, maybe five or six. ^-^


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